I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
