If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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