I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Randomize
