also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
