i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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