i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
