I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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