They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
