He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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