I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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