I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
