Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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