True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
