Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
