Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
is wine microwaveable?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
