Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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