Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
