How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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