I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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