dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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