I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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