he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
