I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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