Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
