Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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