Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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