I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
