I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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