Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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