I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
