Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
