omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
