Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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