I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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