During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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