between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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