A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
