i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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