best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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