Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
