I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
