i wish my penis had a tongue
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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