so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
