So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
