how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
