Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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