Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
