If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
this is an emotional support booty call
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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