if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
