i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
do nipples grow back?
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